OLIVIA IN PROVO: August 2010

{the bricks in the ground at nc state (or just "State" as they call it here) have the coolest swirly-whirly pattern}

OK, so I think this post is just plain going to be like greek text because I just need to "hold some space" until I get the blog situation to where I need/want it. i.e. a new blog? (And I'm writing in serifs, because "they say" serifs lead the eye better in long paragraphs. Prep-up friends, because this one will be long. And serifed.)

I have lots of thanks to give for all your farewells before I left Hometown. Lots more of you mentioned "keep your blog updated!" than I ever thought. That, in addition to all of your humoring me with my comment-plead makes for such a fun sort of connection that happens through blogs. I like it; I'm flattered; thank you! But to those of you (Colin) who aren't into personal posts, this isn't the update for you. Come back later when it's all photos. (Oh, such a chore to post photos...)

I'm just oozing out blog words in my head after a full morning of blogworld catch-up after

packing/leaving provo,

my second cross-country drive,

breathing again with my honey in grasp's reach,

and "vacation mode" with my family.

Then a weekend of "fake anniversary make-up" lounge time as if we were away in a hotel

and few have-to's before Ben snoozed his alarm thrice this morning

and ran away to his program's orientation day for fall semester.

I'm showered, but I put my nightie back on. And I was so whisked away with blogs (and some craig's list searches for free furniture) that I didn't even get hungry until just before noon. That is unheard of for me lately. Way more than morning sickness, I've just felt pregnant hunger. Hunger that comes on fast and hard til it hurts and even just four cheerios cure it. I think this is the very first morning I fasted as if I'd eaten. Weird.

On the pregnant note, I must admit much of my world this morning was maternity moments and thoughts and plunders. (I knew there was a secret to maternity garments and I'm so glad it was confirmed that the secret is none at all. That's what I decided too after my first pair.) But then there's a huge other sentiment—all "this" there is to know about the pregnant world. But somehow I don't want to get into it all—er, I do. But I just want to know what's right, even though a right doesn't exist, and the 'right' is different for everyone. I just want to already know my right, and be done with it. There is too much to know! Too much research! Too much to read. I know I'm already not a reader, but somehow I don't want to read all there is—but not because I'm not interested. I AM. Like I said, I WANT TO KNOW. But something in me is not up for the learning curve, or failed attempts. Why? That's how it's done; I know it. That's how all learning is done in life and I've never bucked before.

Hmm, but maybe I have. Mom says this trait is nothing new—that I've always wanted to be instantly good at whatever task/game/skill was ahead of me. What a sad commentary on my patience.

Anyway, that's enough to clear my mind of that for now. Man, even aside from the giant questions of midwife or doctor—epidural or natural, there are so many piddly (Ben doesn't think that's a word) details from every step of pregnancy and everything after. Do these debates and learning curves it continue on into parenting teenagers? Grandparenting? Eek.

Aside from the pregnant side, I am loving my new home. The apartment, and the surroundings, the city, the state! I just need to find my new "role." Other than mother, the only role I want right now, the budget is tugging for something in the other direction. What to do... All I can say is, blessings come from paying tithing. I've never had more direct blessings with this "give God back what's His" deal. BK and I had allowed some confusions of deposits postpone some phone calls and a sit-down to figure out what we owed. We settled it all the minute my family drove off, and within 24 hours of writing the check, we got two different big blessings whose financial value equal almost exactly the equivalent of what we wrote out in that check.

OK, enough personals for now? I've got a house to clean and unpack and order and love. I feel like a newlywed again. Staying at home resisting the internet in favor of organizing the cupboards during my first days away from Ben.

Oh wait, then there's Benjamin. I cannot tell you how cheesy I'm about to get. Looking into his eyes is really all I need in life. There are a lot of stinky things about being apart, but I didn't expect to miss staring at his eyes so much. And his hand on my back! And talking in person! He took me to his July stomping grounds on Saturday. I love him here, outside his studio.

I love him everywhere, but mostly at my side. I made him take an arm's length of us—together again, finally. A cheesy shot, I know. But his kiss pose took me so by surprise that my eyes wandered away from camera into a gaze. Has he even done that for a camera since 5 August 2008? Cheesy, but so worth it after his awkward first attempt. (He knows I hate the pics where the girl is the only one showing affection.) And not that I only love the pics where the guy is the only one showing affection, but that cheesy one doesn't count because I'm showing affection too. That smile and cheezy gaze is my love back at him. All for him.

OK. OK's done.