13 January 2010


here, i must be trying to explain something, like i'm about attemp in this post.
though this is a much less-gross version of me, and today i'm doing it with a gross cold.
(um, and even though that photo/memory feels like a year ago, it was in 2005. FIVE years past. What?)

OK... ladies and gentlemen, (or is there just one gentleman-Kurt-in my audience?)
prepare yourselves for the rambling me:

I have goobered eyes and my nose is housing a persistent drip
which means endless "almost-then-finally sneezes,"
and of course when they drip out of the nose, it is endless Kleenex.
Every third word I speak jumps to a raspy whimper as if I'm a boy in puberty,
my nostrils and lips are fighting for the title of "most chapped"
(though my tiny tube of Blistex helps to alleviate that battle).
Provo's worst air in the nation is not helping.
The pain is gone after just an hour of wake, but I'm still a gross mess for others all day.

i.e. CLASS where I need to be so I can get started on finishing this school thing.

Oh, and I caught another germ—also, not a good one to catch during school:
I want to be a mom. And I just want to do projects and go exploring.
And I want to do projects with kids. And worse, I want to blog about it.
I have no kids and I'm already aspiring to that 'Mom Blog' ladder?

I blame Jordan for posting this, which I saw on my slow work day on Friday.
I spent nearly all afternoon scrolling and scrolling through this Rebecca's weblog.
I started going backward, until Aug 2008, then decided best to read chronologically...
but only made it to Mar 2007. I still have nearly a year to learn about what she does!
Oddly, I felt like I could relate to so much when really I probably can't. But I was hooked.

And then I found out about this mama, and Katy, as always, and the links just kept going...
but, blogs aside, the monsters played a role in my fixation and fascination
and awakening of what has probably always been an urge in me. (Mom?)
I just want to make stuff. Oh man, and the Bryners last night fed my budding craving
with all their book-paper pom pom strings and bitty, stuffed owls and Shrinky Dinks
(Tallia was appalled we hadn't ever heard of them. Have you?) and sticky iron-on-paper for fabric pillows, and the ReadyMade book from their library or the "Modern Kid Craft/Design Book" they bought? (It teaches about Paul Rand and Charles and Ray Eames and then gives cheap awesome versions of the inspired designers for kidlets.
Ouch! I cry: I want to create stuff!

And yes, create a little human too. I always have, of course, but this week I had my first
"pregnant dream" (does anyone have those?) and it was a long dream and I was at some clinic next to a pro football field. I had to wait in the room while my family and Ben watched the game next door. For some reason that was the normal routine. The sad part is I was scared for the pain! Why? I boast a high pain threshold and sure, birthing beats all, but it was a dream.

Well, anyway this isn't a pregnant announcement. (Despite that our first day back in class,
Adrian led a string of jokes that I was, in fact, making such an announcement.)
I have always admitted that I'm scared of that: Mommy-ing while student-ing. No, thanks.

But still. I wish I had the germ of design student and graduation motivation.
And while wishing, I'm doing my best to avoid this germ.
(Skim that link for the F. Scott Fitzgerald quote, the article as a whole is for a long block of time).

Oh, and if you really are still reading, you can be amazed with me that,
appropriately, while my mind is buzzing and buzzing with what I thought was a germ,
Becky sends me the following, where Pearl calls it a curse:

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive.
To them... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create—
so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings
or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off...
They must create, must pour out creation.
By some strange, unknown, inward urgency
they are not really alive unless they are creating.

-Pearl Buck
US novelist in China (1892 - 1973)

And don't think I'm done yet. I'm sick, mind you. But not sick of typing... even while snotting,
(sorry, Ben, if you want to use my laptop, get some Nu Skin hand sanitizer from the cupboard).
And I have more to connect:

Dieter F. Uchdtorf calls it an inherent wish. O man, I get goosebumps every time:

And Levi said that very address above served an inspiration behind his search of the
"circle of life kinda thing" found within the realm of killing or destroying as part of a creation.
Woosh, there goes a "wholenuther" concept to contemplate. Thanks, Levi for doing it first:
(I designed stuff to advertise his show, sorry I'm only advertising here with one day left. Go see!)

Oh man, and I think that's it. I'm glad for the germ/fixation/obsession/curse/inherent wish.
I don't know what to do with it except pray that I can channel it into my senior portfolio
and BFA Final project and show. Pray for me too?—if you're still here reading. And wow, you must be sick too if you've stuck around. And to think, I'd just be leaving class.


k a t y said...

I'll take any type of Olivia dose. Yes. That quote touched us all today. Can't wait to see where your germs take you.

Jordan said...

Ms. Swindles blog? I know, right? She inspires me nonstop. Not just what she creates, but WHO she is. I was pregnant with Seth when I finished my bachelor's degree at byu. It's not so bad. It somehow brought a huge sense of focus and determination to completing that goal. Good luck! I hope the germs pass, but not that "inherent wish".

Rebecca said...

Oh Olivia, I know exactly how you feel. We must talk. Thanks for putting what is in your head on your blog. I love it.

Amie said...

I remember Pres. Uchtdorf giving that talk at the General RS and feeling like he knew exactly what I needed to hear. I love that talk. Thanks for giving us something to think about today!
p.s. some of the creative mama blogs are truly inspiring!

Sue said...

and oh what a creative mama you'll be!

Kurt Knudsen said...

I'm honored to be among your readers AND admirers

Rebecca said...

That talk from Elder U. just made me feel jealous and inferior, I'm sad to admit. I do not consider myself to be "creative." (Well, aside from the "procreative" sense.) But I certainly admire my friends who obviously are!

olivia said...

no! rebecca! no inferior feeling allowed.
did you hear him talk to you? when he said 'you may say you're not the creative type...' but you are a daughter of the Greatest Creator of the Universe! You inherited a creating ability. maybe you are not as cursed or infested with the germ as some, but YOU CAN CREATE. i've seen it in your girls. you didn't just procreate them. :) you've created a great family of quality caliber. and you create parties (the baby shower & 50bday for my mom come to mind), and you create the best humor with the words you create on your blog.

:) sorry... a little passionate about this one... but again, YOU CAN CREATE!

Jenna said...

haha -that's great! I loved reading that. And Sorry - I guess I didn't mention I was contagious when we saw you last. Good luck being a carrier of the baby "germ"

Cherie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cherie said...

wow! CREATE ~ CREATE ~ CREATE mija!! Of all the way cool creating you've ever done or ever will ever do... Nothing compares to the coolness of creating a child!! It tops all the lists, by FAR!!

And if i were as creative as Sister Larson, I'd keep something great going on the right side of MY blog w/ quotes - and instead of Hillarious Hannah-isms (as Calvie would say) I’d record Amazing Ashton-isms for his posterity to enjoy… - like the one he said (como que nada) last night with a smile:)

Ash: "…that doesn’t make any sense!”
Mom & Papá: “What doesn’t?”
Ash: “What’s the point in having kids if they’re just gonna leave you anyway?

I tried to convince him it was still WAY worth it, and that the ‘point’ is all about how quickly and joyfully your focus shifts to helping those kids grow and prepare to turn around and go help THEIR kids grow and prepare to do the same, and so on, and so on ... OK, now I’m hearing Elton John and the "Circle of Life" LionKing thing in my head!

Gerb said...

This comment is late. Maybe it is even too late for you to notice it. But I thought I should tell you how often I have thought of this post and of how much I LOVE that 'Create' video.

Go create! (which sounds a lot like procreate... but I'll be the first to admit that I can't wait to see what beautiful, creative little people you will have join your family)

olivia said...

Oh, no. Never too late. Comments are sent to my email, so I'll always notice! Thank you for thinking of me, and loving the video as much as I do.

And, I love you, Gerberta.

jenn said...

Olivia, I am so impressed with you and your work. I know we are not even really friends, merely acquaintances, but I think amazing things of you. I hope it is okay that I read your blog! I just enjoy you and your life. This post was amazing. I have been feeling a lot of the same things lately and I appreciate you writing about it! You are so incredible to me. Just wanted to say that.

olivia said...

JENN! I can't thank you enough. Yes, why aren't we more than acquaintances? Of course I don't mind that you read my blog. That fact is as flattering as your words. I took a peek at your blog too and I highly respect your circle of friends. I want to be included. Too bad you are not in SLC anymore because we've been going up there weekly for a class at the Salt Lake Center. I guess we'll have to settle for blog-relationship for now?

Thanks again.

jenn said...

Girlie, I think we should be real life friends, what do you think? We bought a house in Lehi. Do you guys still come up this way ever? We'd love to have you over for a treat or something? Send me an email if you feel so inclined. brown.rose@gmail.com

jenn said...

Well, I re read your comment, and see you are doing SL Center is that still the case? We are on the way there or home. :)