15 February 2010


So... this week, in spite of the loveness and the self-defined Valentnice spirit, I have kind of sunk into a "pit of despair," (to use a family-favorite term). Mostly I was just wallowing in self-consciousness about my design work in school and then it was basically confirmed by my teacher and classmates as reality. I don't blame them, they're just honest, and I agree with them. It's just a confusing thing when you work day and night and in between and then feel like you have nothing to show for it. What do you do? You can't really work harder because you've already been working hard and that didn't do anything. But working less surely can't be the answer either. I am stumped. So I spent lots of time on my knees, and I think my Heavenly Father has given me a few leads, so I'll try that as I continue to jump the hurdles to graduation.

I refrained from letting any of this out into Blogland because of the ongoing question in my head about the general purpose for blogs, and because of the "overexposure" discussion, not to mention my resolution last year to focus on the positive. Just weeks ago I was excited to announce that I think I really succeeded in my 2009 resolve. I was excited to relate it to Jeffrey R. Holland's address about focusing on the present and not dwelling on the pain, nor the 'better times' of the past.

But this week, I found comfort in Jordan's post as I was able to read her words and relate them to my own trials/feelings/situations. And I wasn't the only one who appreciated this kind of honesty. And so it seems: each of us have individual purposes for our blogs that span a wide range in style. I think the key, as Jordan said, is to be true to yourself. In truth, I'm overly-honest, and I bridled that for a sort of under-honest blog, but this must mean that an in-between-honest outlet is right for me. For some reason, I like writing to Blogland. Somehow, knowing people read this gives some sort of accomplishment to me. Somehow it makes me feel better. I'm already feeling better now and I haven't even clicked Publish Post.

Last year was good for my learning. I learned a lot, and I was mostly taught by deep trials (aren't we all?). I was not disappointed to say goodbye to 2009. I think I actually needed the rose-colored blog goggles to help train my over-honesty. Now, as I allow more of myself into blogland, aware of the overexposure, but also of the inter-wide relations possible, I realize that even sharing my current pit of despair fits in with Elder Holland's talk—it's living in the now; working out feelings now; and building faith that looks to the future. (My faith for the future, by the way, is that design school will work itself out, though not easily—simply because it is not my priority. My mom offered the comfort that my greatest success/priority right now has been my part in Ben's successful portfolio and grad school applications. I'm down with that. My "other mom" assured that my creative life is not school. My creative life is my life! So now, looking forward, I can only do my best to jump the final hurdles of school, and love it.)

This perpetual calendar is one of my favorite things.
I kind of made Ben get it for me at Moriarty's Antiques a long time ago.

I know 2010 is over a twelfth over now, but this was the right time to find my 2010 focus, and even to share it. Happy New-ish Year to you, Blogland.


Jordan said...

That February of our lives. It's been on my mind. Just as all that was living turns grey and we have to take life into our own hands with indoor seed-starting, it seems the same in our lives. Reaching inside ourselves to find the warmth, the living part of us despite the cold that surrounds.

I loved this honesty here. Aren't we glad for wise moms?

Kurt Knudsen said...

Jordan shared this with her Sunday School class and us(from Richard G. Scott):
When I take a small pebble and place it directly in front of my eye, it takes on the appearance of a mighty boulder. It is all I can see. It becomes all-consuming—like the problems of a loved one that affect our lives every waking moment. When the things you realistically can do to help are done, leave the matter in the hands of the Lord and worry no more. Do not feel guilty because you cannot do more. Do not waste your energy on useless worry. The Lord will take the pebble that fills your vision and cast it down among the challenges you will face in your eternal progress. It will then be seen in perspective. In time, you will feel impressions and know how to give further help. You will find more peace and happiness, will not neglect others that need you, and will be able to give greater help because of that eternal perspective” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1988, 70; or Ensign, May 1988, 60).

Jenna said...

You are always amazing me with your thoughts - deep thoughts and creativity. Sounds like you are working things out and growing just right. It all works out - will happen the way it's supposed to. I find comfort in that somehow - even when I'm in the middle of the confusion.

k a t y said...

Oh, Olivia. I loved this. School, in my humble opinion, is to learn technique, while life is applying that technique. You have an entire life ahead with your sweet Ben to apply and really have fun--to do just what you love to do. And it only gets better with time.